The Show Crimes

'We're off for a weekend in a country show, dontcha know'

IF YOU’RE an aspiring politician and serious about representing a rural seat, then your summer schedule has to feature agricultural shows. Miss them at your peril, or your absence could cost you any chance of winning the election. Equally damaging, however, is attending and sticking out like a sore thumb. You need to be able to look the part, and be ready to answer some of the toughest questions possible…

And not just about agriculture. Farmers will want to know your views on a whole range of issues, and won’t be scared of telling you if they think you’re spinning them some party line. Jeremy Paxman can seem like a pussycat in comparison to some of the farmers I’ve come across so you need to be prepared.

Having stood in Montgomeryshire in the General Election and now fighting to try and win Plaid Cymru’s nomination for the North Wales list, I’m spending my second summer running going from show to show so I’m speaking from experience. My record last year was four in one day, but thankfully this year, they’re a bit more evenly spread out. Which means I can enjoy them properly rather than racing from one to another.

I should also confess at this point to being something of an agricultural show veteran, having spent many a summer when I was younger helping to show sheep. I absolutely love the shows, as they’re great fun and give you a unique insight into our rural communities. You meet some amazing characters, and also get to taste a fantastic array of local produce. Some of the biggest even have a fun fair, and I’m a complete sucker for the waltzers. What’s not to enjoy?

Another fun show sport is observing all the other wannabe politicians as they attempt to work the crowd. It may sound cruel, but it can be very amusing to see some show virgins get it completely wrong. Here are some of my all time favourite show faux pas:

- Brand new wellingtons, still sporting price tags on the bottom of them.

- Someone in said wellingtons, attempting to keep them in pristine condition by jumping to avoid mud and puddles. And complaining loudly if they get dirty. Why…?

- Ladies in very high heels, attempting to walk around elegantly without sinking into the ground. Cannot be done; plus you end up walking like a penguin.

- Men and women attempting to blend in by dressing head to toe in Burberry. Very expensive, but very chavvy. A look that even Victoria Beckham couldn‘t pull off, let alone obese parliamentary candidates.

- Wearing white. Why? There are animals, foods to taste, mud… Definitely not practical.

- Proudly displaying ‘I’m a Vegetarian’, ‘I love badgers’ or ‘I hate hunting’ badges. Asking for trouble and a sure way to lose the farming community vote before opening your mouth.

- Brand new Barbour coats, that are obviously on their first outing. Worse if worn with a matching hat.

- Funky tweed – an attempt to do country chic that always goes horribly wrong.

Even worse, I’ve seen some people commit more than one of the above show crimes at once. Not good.

So, to be in with a chance of winning over the rural vote, my advice would be – keep it simple. If you look wrong, then you don’t stand a chance. My show uniform is a simple one: sensible walking shoes (or wellingtons if its muddy), dark trousers and a dark top with a smart looking jacket topped off with a rain jacket and umbrella for those unexpected summer showers. Then, all you need to worry about is answering the tirade of questions…

As I said earlier, you need to know your policies inside out. Yes, you will be asked your views on hunting, glastir, the badger cull, sheep tagging and so on but also be prepared for the unexpected. This week at the Anglesey show, I was asked what my views were about euthanasia, nuclear power, care homes and immigration. Also, be prepared to eat a lot of meat. People expect to see you eating a lamb burger and will ask if you eat meat. They still haven’t forgiven Labour for appointing a vegetarian – Christine Gwyther – as Minister of Agriculture during the Assembly’s first term. Farmers want to know that you’re on their side, and what better way to prove that than by tucking into some excellent Welsh produce?

This may all sound very cynical, but agricultural shows are an important test for politicians. They‘re an integral part of our rural communities, and if you hate them or feel uncomfortable attending, then you really should consider running for a city seat instead. Farmers don’t suffer fools, and they can make or break you. So, if you’re a serious competitor, dirty those wellingtons and read up on every subject under the sun. And take plenty of pound coins for various raffles. They’re fantastic showcases for rural Wales, and we should never make the mistake of taking them for granted or we’ll lose a valuable part of our society.