The all-time Spanish XI

Superb movement off the bull

WE know all about the supposed characteristics of the Spanish team: over-elaborate passing, difficult to score against, wont to keep possession, prone to choking. But if Spain could field a team that said more about what it offered the world, what might it look like? Let’s have a go.

Goalkeeper – the Pyrenees

Forming a natural barrier between the Iberian Peninsula and the rest of the world, the Pyrenees is Spain’s ultimate safe pair of hands. Rising to heights of 3,500 metres above the sea this stunning mountain range has formed the character of those who live beyond it, and today plays host to skiers, walkers and intrepid cyclists – as well as a rich history and distinctive folklore. Should be considered cup-tied for qualifying matches involving the tiny Principality of Andorra or France, both of which lay claim to parts of it.

Left back – the House of Habsburg

With the House of Bourbon dropped to the bench following its disastrous fumbling of the low countries in the Spanish War of Succession, the veteran House of Habsburg gets what must surely be a last international cap. Dominant during de facto Spain’s so-called “golden generation” of 1506-1700, the Habsburg monarchs traditionally assumed a roving role in the centre of the park, crushing established south American teams along with large swathes of European opposition. But this is a risky selection; with Habsburgs you get flashes of agressive brilliance mixed with an infuriating inability to retain possession – fans in particular won’t forget the loss of Portugal in 1640. Personal scandal, including repeated bankruptcy, also dog this stalwart of the national team.

Centre back – Miguel Indurain

Like England and tennis, Spain is one of a tiny elite of countries to host an official grand event in its chosen sport of cycling. Unlike England, Spain is any good at participating in that chosen sport (it’s not bad at tennis, either). Óscar Pereiro, Carlos Sastre and Alberto Contador have sewn up the last four Tours de France between them, but for a true cycling powerhouse, our first central defence position goes to five times Tour winner, “Big Mig” Miguel Indurain. This 6ft 2in two-wheeled gladiator defied the conventional route to the yellow jersey of dominating the mountain stages, instead bludgeoning his opponents into submission during the time trials and riding defensively over the hilly bits. Strong, skilful and with boundless reserves of stamina, Big Mig will be all over the Dutch forwards, and might even get forward himself for the odd surging run or set-piece special.

Centre back – the package holiday

For today’s low-cost airline natives it’s hard to imagine the profound cultural impact of the introduction of the package holiday in the 1950s. For Wales’s post-war generation, the opportunity to trade Barry and Rhyl for Menorca and Benidorm was one that tens of thousands seized, heading out to guaranteed sun and returning with a taste for sangria and suitcases stuffed with duty-free cigarettes and velour covered bulls. The image of tightly packed high-rise hotels lining a sizeable chunk of Spain’s 3,000 miles of coast has tarnished the package deal, but it remains a popular choice and Spain remains the most visited overseas holiday destination for the Welsh. A reliable centre-back whose place in the starting eleven is assured.

Right back – Alexander Farnese, Duke of Palma

As Spain jog out onto the pitch this evening, it might be worth reminding their opponent who’s boss. The low countries once formed part of the Spanish Empire and to ram home this fact the Duke of Parma gets the nod at right back. When not making intrepid, probing runs he is better known for suppressing Dutch revolts with a mixture of military prowess and diplomatic cunning.  Just ask William The Silent, victim to one of The Duke’s most crunching tackles. In 1578, Farnese successfully nutmegged the Dutch leader, dividing the rebel forces along religious lines with a little poison in each ear before vanquishing the remaining protestants. A master kidologist whose playmaking talents could come in very handy.

Left wing – Chupa Chups

Dali's most well-known creation?

Get asked to name a great Spanish export and you’ll probably say sherry or Santander. Ask your kids and they’re more likely to say Chupa Chups. These crowd-pleasing lollipops (whose name derives from the Catalan verb for “suck”) have been delighting fans for decades, but only came to international prominence, when the club transfer rules were changed following Franco’s departure from the Spanish FA. Now a listed company, the Salvador Dali-created logo became known throughout Europe and much of the rest of the world and today more than 4 billion lollipops in more than 50 flavours are sold. With flair and consistency, it is no wonder the Catalan sweetie has earned automatic selection on the wing.

Central midfield – Maxiums Decimus Meridius

“My name is Maximus Decimus Meridius, commander of the Armies of the North, General of the Felix Legions, loyal servant to the true emperor, Marcus Aurelius. Father to a murdered son, husband to a murdered wife. And I will have my vengeance, in this life or the next.” Ridley Scott’s Lusitanian swashbuckler and hero of the 2000 movie Gladiator may have the disadvantage of being fictional, but with every good midfield in need of a midfield general there is surely none better – provided he can shake off that apparently career threatening abdominal stab wound picked up in the last match.

Central midfield – bullfighting

Without doubt the most controversial member of the squad, bullfighting is either a cruel blood sport or an important part of Spanish national culture, depending on your point of view. But whether you find it barbaric or balletic, there’s no doubting the spectacle. Opponents condemn it as an unfair fight as the bull always ends up dead, but that is to underestimate the considerable danger in which the matador and team place themselves, and the skill they must deploy to avoid serious injury. It is this movement off the bull that earns this art-cum-sport a place in central midfield, a choice that will disappoint and delight Spanish fans in equal measure.

Right wing – convivencia

There is something deadeningly politically correct about the Alliance of Civilizations, the UN initiative proposed by Spanish PM José Luis Rodriguez Zapatero in response to the increasing polarised debate about Islam and the West. Nevertheless, early Medieval Iberia managed a proto-multiculturalism that proved intellectually fertile. The Spanish word for this, convivencia, means “living together” and, although the degree of tension and separation between the peninsula’s Jewish, Christian and Muslim inhabitants is often glossed over, it points less to a clash and more to a synthesis of civilisations, both cultural and ideological, that is worth pursuing. For this reason convivencia gets a place on the right.

Park Güell - more stepovers than a Brazilian

Centre forward – Modernisme

Spain’s diverse regionalist traditions have given rise to a rich, intense and magical folkloric culture. And that means we are spoiled for choice when it comes to creative and difficult-to-contain firepower up front. The Catalan Modernisme movement of the early 20th century stands head-and-shoulders above even most of this, and has so captured the public imagination that that it is frequently cited as a reason for visiting the entire city of Barcelona. It’s chief proponent, Antonia Gaudi, possessed enough idiosyncrasies to make today’s superstar strikers look well-adjusted. His most famous creation, the Sagrada Família, otherwise known as the world’s most lucrative building site, is now scheduled to be completed in 2026 – a full 100 years after work on it started. Even after a century of delays, it must stand a better chance of being finished than of Wales qualifying for that year’s World Cup.

Centre forward – Gijón to León by rail

Who to partner Gaudi and co’s fabulist, anti-traditional architectural style? The films of Pedro Almodóvar would be right up there, and Javier Bardem shouldn’t get too comfy on the subs bench, either. But to contrast the quirkiness of Park Güell, one needs the rugged and awesome beauty viewable on one of the world’s great train journeys – a trip that climbs through the mountains of the Cordillera Cantábric and which tested 19th century civil engineering to its very limits. Go at the right time of day and you will be treated to the almost mystical sight of a blood red sky. As the track hugs the mountains the views will astound you. Just the sort of sheer natural talent to get on the end of that final ball.